Oh. My. God.

There are some things that even words can't describe, but I'll try!

Tonight US99 was giving away Kenny Chesney tickets (oh the excitement!!) every 6 minutes at the Shop-N-Save in Des Plaines. "Hurray!" I thought. "Free tickets from a place that I know how to get to!!!" So I made up my mind to go. Now, my mom and I are the country fans in the house, but she was going to dinner with friends. So I dragged Mandy along to get another name in the drawing. We got there around 4:30 and had a drink at Potbelly's while we watched them set up. At 5:00, we walked over and filled out the little form. Dropped it in the basket, and then we found a spot on the curb and waited. While we waited, we people watched, and here are the results: (We've named them for their anonymity...or not)

1. Plum Girl: Chubby girl wearing a plum velvet tracksuit and black high heels. She had quite the ghetto bootie, and since she was leaning back against a lightpost, it literally looked like the pole went in her butt and came out the top. Seriously.

2. The Toothless Wonder: Middle-aged lady, on the shorter side, smelled like a litterbox. When she smiled, we saw that she was missing EVERY TOOTH on the top row except for two. EVERY. TOOTH. *gak* The smell did not help things either.

3. The Chaw Boys: A group of 2 frat boys who thought they were just all that. As soon as they got there, they whipped out their can 'o tobbacy and shoved such a ball into their mouths that their lower lip stuck out 4 inches. So for two hours, we were forced to watch them shift it from one side of their mouth to the other and every 30 seconds, spit brown drool into the street. YUCK.

4. Flab Woman and Santa Claus: Can you picture it already? She had absolutely NO butt (her back turned into her thighs) and a shirt that was way too short. However, in case you're wondering where her butt went, let me tell you- it was UNDER HER SHIRT. Seriously- her stomach that was flopping out from her shirt had a line up the middle so it looked like her butt. No joke. And her husband, who resembled a stoned Santa Claus, was wearing a shirt from the Hog's Breath Bar in Key West that said "Hog's Breath is better than no breath at all!" Um. Gross.

5. He/She: Either a woman with way too much testosterone, or a man with boobs and a purse. Now, it's not so bad, until you consider the fact that they also had a 5 o'clock shadow and armpit hair!!!!!! When you see something like that singing Leanne Womack, you just know that the song will never mean the same thing again.

6. He/She's Mom: About 95 years old, chunky, white hair (what was left of it), missing 2 teeth on the top row (hey, she and Toothless Wonder should get together!), and her toenails...yellow, cracked, peeling, and curled over the TOP of her TOE onto her SANDAL!!!!!!!!

7. Fondling Man: Skinny guy, fairly tall, wearing a ripped t-shirt and really shorty shorts. He kept accosting the Deans' ice cream guy for all of his free samples, and in a 2 hour period he ate about 10 Popsicles and ice cream sandwiches. Every once in a while, he'd sit down on the curb, bust out his cell phone, and dial some number but never talk. While he was listening to whoever was on the other end, he'd slowly start running his hand up and down his leg, and pretty soon, he stuck his entire hand UP HIS SHORTS. That was bad enough, but then he started to pinch at his shorts right between his legs...we almost threw up!!!! It was awful!!!!!

*Gasp*

I had to breathe after that retelling- it was awful. I need to go shower now...and I didn't even win tickets. How sucky is that?!?!?

What a night. Remind me never to follow the rewards team again!